Your traveling through another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's a signpost up ahead, your next stop, The Armpit Zone.

Ashley was happy. She just had a lovely dinner date with a new boy she just met. But the date would not end as nicely as it had begun. There was someone waiting for her just outside the restaurant door. Someone who would turn this night into a nightmare...

Ashley: "Holy mother of God what is that putrid smell? What kind of establishment are you people running here...Oh no it's you! Armpit Man! Mary-Kate warned me about you Armpit Man. I know exactly how to deal with evildoers like you."

Armpit man strikes again.

With lightning speed Ashley pulls out her Blackberry and starts the auto-destruct sequence that Mary-Kate used in her last encounter with Armpit Man.

"Thirty seconds to self-destruct..."
Blackberry.com

ArmpitMan: "Hahaha! I think not, young Ashley Olsen. I have adapted my SmellShield® to absorb all the energy from your puny little Blackberry devices. It has no effect on me now. Ahahahaha!"

Ashley angrily aborts the self-destruct sequence. "Damn this armpit man is clever," she thought. "Must think of something else." Suddenly she pulls out a pair of marykateandashley brand tweezers.

Ashley: "Take that!"

She holds her nose and with a disgusted look on her face attempts to tweeze his hairy armpit to sap him of the source of his SmellShield power. But he easily takes the tweezers away from her.

ArmpitMan: "Oh no you don't! I'm not falling for that one. That's the oldest one in the book. Now come with me."

 
Ashley fails to tweeze the pits

Ashley: "Let go of me you big bad smelly armpit man you! Where are you taking me?"

ArmpitMan: "We are going to a planet we call, PitsBurg. Oh by the way it's true. Brad is one of us. The truth is out there."

Ashley: "Why are you taking me there you fiend!?"

ArmpitMan: "Because we need you to repopulate our planet. Together we will copulate and repopulate. Hey that rhymed. I'm a poet and I didn't even know it. Anyway, you see, my planet has been rendered sterile by a curse. The curse is called May-Your-Pits-Be-Infested-By-A-Thousand-Fleas. Don't ask, you don't wanna know."

"All you need to know is this could actually be quite enjoyable if you think about it so I really don't know what's up with all this resistance bullsh*t. I don't see the downside frankly I really don't. For me anyway."

Ashley: "Oh yeah? What about the stretch marks I'm gonna get? Duh! Men are so insensitive!"

ArmpitMan: "Oh yes there is that. No matter. Come. We go."

Armpit Man taking Ashley to his ship

Armpit Man dragged Ashley mercilessly to his hidden spaceship. She fought back with all her might. She tried judo, karate, kung fu, tae kwan do, tai-bo, and a really hard pinch that would of brought down an elephant. Nothing worked. Suddenly she got an idea. She pointed and yelled, "Hey look, it's Mary-Kate and she's not wearing any panties!"

This distracting him long enough for her to give him a hard kick to the gonads. He moaned, grabs his crotch and doubled over. As she runs to her car, Armpit Man, limping, crying, and mumbling about dirty tricks, limps after her.

Ashley breathlessly jumps into her car where her date, His Royal Highness Prince Edgar of Kazakhstan was waiting. She tries to start the car but the keys are gone. She looks at him with disgust.

Ashley: "Where were you while I was being attacked? And where are the keys? There's an alien right behind me and he's trying to kidnap me and take me to his planet and mate with me to repopulate it, which probably wouldn't be that bad except for the stretch marks but right now I want to know where are the damn keys!?"

He dangles the keys in front of her.

Edgar: "Right here."

Ashley tries to grab them but he pulls them away. She looks back and sees Armpit Man getting closer!

Ashley: "Oh dear God he's getting closer! Give me those keys! He'll kill us all!"

Edgar: "Wait. First you have to do this for me. Look here, I see a zit. Right here, look, in my chin area. Can you see it?"

Edgar looking for zit.

Ashley: "We don't have time for that you freak! Give me the keys right now! That was a full sentence mister!"

Edgar: "<in a whiny voice> Jeeeez Louise will you stop thinking about yourself all the time and tell me, can you see a zit or not?"

Ashley panics when she looks back and sees Armpit Man trying to open the rear door!

Ashley: "Alright alright let me look. Ok yes I see a zit! Are you happy? Now will you give me the fricken keys!?"

Edgar: "I knew it. Just shoot me my life is over. Here you can have your precious keys, selfish." He starts to cry.

 
Edgar cries a river over zit

He throws the keys at her and in one motion she catches it, puts it in the ignition and starts the car. She guns it just as Armpit Man opens the rear door.

As the car pulls away Armpit Man falls down but manages to hold on to the door handle. Ashley cleverly fishtails the car making him fall off. She slams on the brakes to close the rear door, then puts it in reverse. She looks back and sees Armpit Man getting up.

She grins evilly then mashes the gas pedal down. She sees Armpit Man look up right as he gets run over. Ashley puts it back into drive and guns it. She drives like a maniac until they get a safe distance away. Good driving Ashley! The Transporter would be proud.

"Good drivin baby. Rules are made to be broken."

After about 10 minutes she screeches to a halt and turns off the engine and listens. She hears nothing.

She closes her eyes and takes a big sniff. Nothing. No putrid armpit smell.

Relieved that the ordeal was over, Ashley continues driving until suddenly the car runs out of gas. "Dammit what else is going to happen to me today," she thought.

She asks Edgar to get out and go for gas. He refuses saying it's too dark and scary. Ashley opens the glove compartment and pulls out a flashlight and hands it to him. Reluctantly he takes it, turns it on and pans it out the window. All he could see was the long dark road and dense woods on either side.

He nervously gets out and starts walking down the road, sweat running down his face. Suddenly he hears a sound coming from behind him and almost drops the flashlight in fear. "What was that? Could it be, laughing?" He looks back and sees Ashley looking in the mirror fixing her makeup. "Weird." He keeps walking.

Again he heard it. He starts to tremble in terror and he panics. He runs back to the car as fast as he can. Ashley, not hearing anything through the bulletproof windows, looks at him with disdain, and locks the doors.

"Let me in!" he screamed "There's something out here!"

He pounds on the window pleading for her to open the door but she continues to ignore him. He hears it again but louder now. With trembling hands he madly played the flashlight left then right but he saw nothing.

Minutes went by with no sounds except the chirping of crickets. He was starting to feel better when he heard it again. His whole body spasmed in shock making him drop the flashlight from his sweaty hands.

The flashlight hit his foot and rolled under the car. He got on his knees and bent down to look for it. The light hit Armpit Man square in the face. There he was, clinging to the bottom like a wild animal, smiling maniacally, holding the cut gas line in his teeth.

...To be continued....

Photo Credits: MkaForums

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