cedrik the accountant: miss olsen, i have important documents for you to read about your financial situation, i'll just leave them with you and i'll be on my way ...

mk: wait cedrik, i thought i told you, papers don't make me happy. that's a full sentence mister. i also have a massive soul sucking headache after that staring contest with ashley. I don't feel like reading anything right now so don't go anywhere.

is that why your wearing sunglasses mam? you have a headache?

no, they just make me look cool, like snoopy the dog.

don't you mean "snoop dog," mam?

don't "mam" me, i told you about that. don't be a pussy, i don't like pussy. well i do like pussy, just not your type of pussy. dont get me wrong, i do love me some snake. it just has to be a big one. so be a big boy and stand up to me, tell me i'm one serious b1tch with an attitude problem, got it?

yes mam.

moron.

yes mam.

whatever. while we're on the subject of me, did i mention how hot i am now? i mean, really, did you see me in "weeds"? omg i was so hot. i c0ck teased silus to death hahaha! i played him like a drum, like i do all guys, dat was nice. why do un-hot b1tches get tv shows and not me, huh?

i don't know miss olsen...

don't answer that, that was a rhetorical question. what was i talking about? oh yeah, me. i am hotness personified yo! oh, i see, you don't believe me, well did you see my pinup photo? that was hot was it not? my bod is so hot now, i could totally do playboy boy. i'm a hot rich skinny b1tch and dont you forget it.

i won't mam.

you better not, if you want to keep your job. i'm also smart. did you read my interview in interview magazine? i was totally believable, yet i lied about everything. that's not easy to pull off let me tell you. i bet you didn't even know it was me. well it wasn't, it was someone else, hahahaha! no seriously, i'm lying, it was me, maybe, i can't remember i was so wasted at the time.

and what else... oh snap! did you see my cover in fashion magazine recently? that was my audition photo for the joker role in batman. didn't get it.

but back to me, i am hot, you can take that to the bank, not a u.s. bank, they're all bankrupt. you can take it to a european bank, but not a swiss bank, they're getting a$$ r4ped by the feds, so, yeah, more like a singapore bank. give jim rogers a call, he can hook you up. tell him sk1nnyB1tch061386 sent you.

i will mam, but i'm sure the american banks will recover once president obama ....

don't get me started on obama! obama can't do sh!t! if obama was here i would totally go off on that charlatan. id say something like:

"yo to the B.O., watup dog? you da b0mb. yeah, a stink b0mb. dont stimulate me bro, i'm starting to chafe. if i want to be stimulated i'll go to a LiloMorRonSon fvckfest again, dig it? you may not know it cause your so clueless, but this country is sinking like a rock barack, and it's cause of lame ass politicians like you. hey, bojangles, guess what? government ain't the answer! its the froojibity problem sasquatch!"

"i'm confessing to you blackjebus, i ain't going down with this ship. you can't save me so you and the fed can kiss my sweet ass goodbye cause i am gone. you can't bail me out, know why? cause i already bailed out!"

"word to yo mama obama, your son is messin wit ma billions, heebee decimatin my dollahs, makin trash uh mah cash. that ain't happenin jack, that ain't happenin. thanks but no thanks pimpbot. i do thank him for the hyperinflationary depression though, really appreciate that one, thanks moron."

very powerful and insightful analysis of the situation miss olsen, now i really have to go, here are your papers...

no wait im not finished. i been doin this for 20 years holmes, i got skillz. business is my business and business is rotten. quarterly profits are down 20%. i am so angry i could go all shaolin ninja hipster level 2 on obama's ass. he would have no chance.

that seems a little harsh mam.

i do have a softer side, im an artist too, like that guy from factory girl, what's his name? andy a-hole? once i'm in the groove and get my kayon i am in the zone and nothing can stop this train... wait, i feel a rap riff coming on, i'm channeling glenn beck. gimme a beat and lets do this thing:

im outta here obama, i know you want my money, but no way your gonna if you seek amy honey.

america is hurtin, she's not the way she were, got no more booty, she's bankrupt fer sher.

i'm going international, leaving on a 5, jettin off to dubai, that ain't no jive.

might not be back, gonna miss the hot boys. loved a couple, the rest were toys.

yeah i can be a b1tch, i can be a tease, ashley doesn't like it when i "forget" my panties.

but...

i don't care what people think, i do what i want. go ahead and hate me, call me a cVnt.

parting is sweet sorrow, but partying is a gas. if you say it's over you can kiss my ass.

don't cry obama, you know i'm fickle, we might meet again, when the dollar's worth a nickel.

p.s. i will buy your gold jewelry, prefer vintage because it tells a story, call me at 1-800-kaygold.

that was amazing mam! but, why are you going to dubai?

cause that's where the action is baby. that's where all the big drug deals go down ese. of course the "no-s3x-on-the-beach" nonsense over there will cramp my style a tad, but ill just get my freak on in international waters so suck it d1ckwad.

actually miss olsen, dubai is having financial difficulties as well, over-leveraging in their real estate market has decimated their economy. speaking of financial decimation ...

will you please for the love of god stfu cedrik? i told you i gotta massive soul sucking headache. when i want an economics lesson from a pussy like you ill beat it out of ya, got it? who's the billionaire here?

um...

speak up!

you are the billionaire here mam!

you got dat right. i light my crack pipe with non-sequential unmarked benjamins, jack, that's how rich i is. actually, i do have a financial question: how's my 401k?

um...

i may need to make a premature withdrawal so i can blow my wad all over dubai with style.

ewww. well, like i said miss olsen, i have your financial statement right here...

and how's my MadoffAigLehmanBrothersCitibankGMCircuitCityCdoCdsSubPrimeDerivatives stock portfolio hedge fund thingy going? something tells me its time to cash out. i have a sick sense about these things cedrik, i'm all about the timing. peter schiff and me are tight cause we was right! i got it on video if you don't believe me.

i believe you mam. well, its like this miss olsen, um, since you dont like papers, i have a microsoft word document on this cd that will explain in detail your monetary situation at the moment. i'll just leave it with you i gotta go ...

no. no. no. i told you. .doc's don't make me happy, just gimme the executive summary d1psh1t.

your broke.

suck what?

your broke.

no, really, seriously, suck what. all of a sudden i have the urge to suck my thumb.

seriously miss olsen, all your investments have tanked. your net worth is now $1.45. they're foreclosing on your new york, la, paris, madrid, mexico, and australia estates as we speak.

wtf? why didn't you tell me you twit! i'm going to kill you cedrik, you recommended that sh1t. hey that rhymed, but never mind that. that's it cedrik, if i go down, your going down with me. say hello to my leetle fraynd, my totally affordable yet still classy elizabeth and james torture device i just designed, i call it, "the beautiful agonizer". on sale this week for the low low price of $459.95 at circuit city. i have a coupon if you want.

please no mam!

and you must wear -- the cruel shoes.

anything but that mam!

oh alright you big baby stop yer cryin. can't stand to see a grown pussy cry. don't get me wrong, i do like pussy. i got my mind on some pussy and my pussy's on my mind. i just don't like crybaby pussy. so, what, i gotta go back to work now? puck. got anything lined up?

yes miss olsen, luckily you've been offered a full house reunion boxing match gig. couldn't get coulier, said it was beneath him, but everyone else is on board.

i feel a headache coming on.

THE END

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12 Comments

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• tu crais!!!!

  efjio — October 7, 2009 @ 12:05 pm

• hi rick, nice to hear from you again.

  nothing can stop the power of olsen twins news! but seriously i never intended on shutting down the site. i just decided i didnt want to make posts any more. something about the olsens threatening to sue me turned me off. haha. later i decided to change the site into an olsen twins news aggregator and its worked out pretty well so far.

  Michael Shipley — September 24, 2009 @ 9:05 pm

• Hey Mike! I had no idea you were still around! I was told you were put out-of-business by MK&A! LOL! So how are you doing now? Weird I found your site again! I was searching for some Susan Sarandon Pictures and found you (your site) quite by accident, actually! Doing a Google-Search! Anyway: Take Care Mike! Rick In Iowa / MK&A Fan Throughout Eternity

  Rick — September 24, 2009 @ 3:43 pm

• thats not true. i know it. liar!

  Anonymous — August 17, 2009 @ 7:20 pm

• i love you so mathesh so so mathshe

  nora — July 5, 2009 @ 4:01 pm

• @Ashlee: although this dialogue is fictitious i wouldn’t doubt she and ashley have lost substantial wealth due to the drop in the stock and real estate market. if she’s smart she’ll divest her portfolio of all dollar denominated assets and invest in gold bullion, and foreign stocks, specifically asian stocks.

  Michael Shipley — April 18, 2009 @ 1:48 am

• Is that her sayin’
  that ****??
  I dought it.
  Don’t sound like
  her.
  Humm
  Idk.
  ♥

  Ashlee — April 17, 2009 @ 1:59 pm

• Let the Lord Jesus Christ be your guidance
  Amen

  Anonymous — March 29, 2009 @ 4:22 am

• I am sorry, we are living in a world we can not take a thing for granted
  Just turn to God and things will get better , I am sure things happen for a reason we just have to accept things and heading toward a better direction, God somtimes puts us in the dark for us to see light
  God is able to do immeasurable deeds

  Don’t worry be happy,

  Jesus loves you

  Anonymous — March 29, 2009 @ 2:52 am

• this is a totally original story based on totally fake events.

  Michael Shipley — March 29, 2009 @ 2:09 am

• you are not joking do you

  Anonymous — March 29, 2009 @ 1:58 am

• ym love

  aeshah — March 23, 2009 @ 8:35 am

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