Thank you for your support. As a matter of fact, after seeing this overwhelming support for my run for congress, I’ve decided to set my sites higher. I, Michael Shipley, hereby announce my candidacy for President of the United States!

If elected, my first act will be to become Supreme Total Uber Pious Infinite Dictator. Or S.T.U.P.I.D. for short.

My second act will be to make all tabloids print the truth. Unfortunately that will only change about half the stories since half of that **** in there is REAL! I ain’t lyin! Take Michael Jackson. He IS an alien man! I know because our alien overlords, who I serve with total obedience, told me so.