Hollywood Exclusive by Marilyn Beck & Stacy Jenel Smith Creators Syndicate, CA - 1 hour ago The Sprouses are represented by Dualstar Entertainment — the company built around Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen — which has been busy merchandising the ... |

Photos: Corbis (Cayne), WireImage (Cumming), Getty Images (remaining)
Recently, we were watching John Waters's 1998 movie Pecker, which starred all kinds of great people like Martha Plimpton and Lily Taylor and Edward Furlong, before he got weird and started getting arrested and dating his manager. Anyway, as in all John Waters movies, there were about five really brilliantly funny parts in it, one of which was a game the characters played called "Shopping for Others," in which they'd go to the supermarket and sneak things into the shopping carts of fellow shoppers when they weren't looking. (Like a long phallic gourd in the cart of a mousy single woman or a stack of Depends for a smarmy dude in tight jeans, etc.) Anyway, we got to thinking: How about if, this year, we make New Year's resolutions for others? We've never made New Year's resolutions ourselves — it's weird, every year New Year's Eve rolls around, and we realize we're still kind of perfect! — but we've always felt we were missing out on that great American tradition. Not to mention, frankly, there are people that could use our assistance. So. To celebrate the great New Yorkers who make this blog possible and to help them continue their gloriousness into 2008, we've generously ginned up some resolutions for their benefit.The Olsen Twins: Keep dating older (or at least grotesquely larger) men. We still need things to write about.
Lance Armstrong: Find someone new and hilarious to make out with in public. We hear Abigail Breslin is single.
Nello Balan: This year, you lashed out at artist Jerome Lucani for talking back when you tried to take credit for his work and model Le Call for stealing your umbrella. Next year, set your sights on bigger, awesomer targets. Like Spike Lee. Or Brooke Shields.
Anderson Cooper: Work out another body part. Sure, it's great to have huge biceps, but what news anchor has great pecs and abs? Oh, right, Thomas Roberts. Maybe you can work out with him? And maybe air that on CNN, so we can watch it?
Hillary Clinton: Get some sleep.
Bill Clinton: See above. And don't try to split it into two sentences.
Alan Cumming: Actually, like us, you're kind of perfect. Keep talking to us about your sex life.
Jimmy Cayne: Do not let those bastards push you out of your job. You're a 73-year-old cigar-chomping, pot-smoking, possible naked dancer, and Wall Street needs you. We need you.
Julian Schnabel: Last night we woke up in a cold sweat, thinking, What would New York would be like without Julian Schnabel? The answer was: It would be thin and clean and cold and artless. Which is why it's time, Julian, to really cement your legacy. The Diving Bell was a fantastic film, but we need something with a little more you in it. Do you know where we're going with this? That's right, we're talking, again, about Schneighbors. I know that a reality show is not the sort of trip you usually go on, but a show following the foibles of the aging residents of Palazzo Chupi could be your next masterpiece of the human condition. Or even better: the next Hills.
Lydia Hearst: Since it didn't work out with pointlessly famous Cisco Adler, we're thinking maybe you should start dating Zach Braff.
Zach Braff: Since it didn't work out with Arden Wohl, we're thinking maybe you should start dating Lydia Hearst. That way, when Scrubs ends and everybody forgets about you, you'll still have a career as the new Cash Warren!
Rudy Giuliani: In 2008, get a flu shot. You're never going to get the hang of this "setting an example" thing, are you?
Eliot Spitzer: It's hard to say this, because we do love you, but it's time for that really, really short haircut.
Michael Bloomberg: Shit, or get off the pot.
Jared Kushner: Stop embarrassingly and publicly horning all over Donald Trump.
Ivanka Trump: See above resolution.
Vikram Pandit: Don't let them tell you you're not good enough! You're the man now! Fire some people! Daddy loves you.
Tory Burch: You've dated Lance Armstrong, Brad Grey, and Katie Couric's ex-boyfriend, proving that fortysomething blonde socialites are the new twentysomething blonde socialites. Which means, in 2008, we have two words for you: Sex. Tape.
Kevin Sheekey: Stop fucking with us.
Gossip Girl: See above resolution, and do the opposite.
A-Rod: Stop fiddling around with different people and finally settle down with the one you were meant to be with: your wife, Cynthia. We mean settle down with her as your manager, of course. You're a ballplayer; you can sleep with whomever you want.
James Dolan: Get over Isiah Thomas. He's just not that into you.
Isiah Thomas: Run for your life.
Anucha Brown Sanders: Chase.
Graydon Carter: Write one Vanity Fair editor's letter, just one, that isn't a boringly hysterical screed against George W. Bush. Also, shut up about Christopher Hitchens's balls.
Christopher Hitchens: Just shut up.
Brooke Astor: For the love of God, un-die and slap your bitch of a son into shape!
That's all for now. See you next year, queers!
| US $9.99 (0 Bid) End Date: Friday Dec-28-2007 8:49:51 PST Buy It Now for only: US $15.00 Bid now | Buy it now | Add to watch list |
The Votes are In: 2007's Best Return to TV and Show That Needs a ... BuzzSugar.com, CA - Dec 20, 2007 This poll packed a ton of star power — Courteney Cox, Ted Danson, and Mary-Kate Olsen, to name just a few. But it quickly became a two-way race between ... |
| US $7.50 (0 Bid) End Date: Thursday Dec-27-2007 19:36:28 PST Bid now | Add to watch list |
![]() | EA Offers Free Games To Spurned Guitarists Cinema Blend - Dec 20, 2007 It's a pleasant surprise for cynical gamers expecting EA to mail out free copies of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's Haunted House Mystery or Horse Betting 05 ... |
Katie Holmes Named Most Stylish Star TransWorldNews (press release), GA - Dec 20, 2007 Twin sisters Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen made sixth place followed by pregnant singer Jennifer Lopez. Rounding out the top ten is actress Rachael Bilson, ... |
Lauren Conrad: Shop girl Chicago Sun-Times, United States - Dec 20, 2007 LC: I’ve always loved the way Ashley Olsen dresses. I love the Olsen twin style. They really will try everything. These girls don’t follow a trend. ... |
PETA Pokes Posthumous Fun at Colonel Sanders With Holiday E-Card PETA (press release), VA - Dec 20, 2007 Colonel Sanders isn't the only one getting a shake from PETA this season: Fur-wearing sisters Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, trigger-happy hunter Dick Cheney, ... |
PETA's Holiday E-Cards Poke Fun at Celebrities Who've Been Naughty ... PETA (press release), VA - Dec 20, 2007 Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen: A tussle in an alleyway between the fur-flaunting twins during a night on the town is broken up with a click of the user's mouse ... |
| US $8.99 (0 Bid) End Date: Thursday Dec-27-2007 5:22:58 PST Bid now | Add to watch list |
Is pregnant Jamie Lynn product of young Hollywood? MiamiHerald.com, FL - Dec 20, 2007 Jodie Sweetin: While Full House stars Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have had their fair share of problems, compared with their former co-star they're downright ... |
Superstars collide Thursday when Bryant's Lakers visit James ... OCRegister, CA - Dec 19, 2007 1 earner among stars younger than 25, a list that included Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen at No. 5. (Reggie Bush, Maria Sharapova and Michelle Wie were in ... |
Style.com is doing a wonderful year end wrap up that focuses on the best of 07's parties. Something we saw made us giggle and we had to share.
It seems while at the Seventh on Sale gala in November the always trendy Ashley Olsen fell in love with the Chanel couture jacket worn by the infamous Anna Wintour. After hearing of Ashley's fas
Hot Pink! X17 Online, California - Dec 19, 2007 (Just ask Mary-Kate Olsen!) How long do you think her and JT will last, by the way? Note: Your comment will post in 5 minutes. Practice patience and don't ... |
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