Ashley Olsen apologizes to PETA

Ashley Olsen’s spokesman Michael Pagnotta has released a statement in response to PETA’s accusation that Ashley is one of the worst dressed women in 2004 by wearing fur coats.

“Ashley has apologized to PETA for wearing fur. She’s had a change of heart and said, ‘I would rather go naked than wear the skins of animals.’ ”

“To prove she was sincere she agreed to appear in the latest PETA ad campaign called, ‘I would rather humiliate myself by showing my naked butt than get paint thrown in my face by some deranged animal lovers.’ ”

“Tragically,” Pagnotta continues, “while in the shower she was attacked and swallowed by a large snake. A snake we learned PETA recently let loose in it’s natural habitat, central park, after ‘rescuing’ it from a local animal testing lab. The lab was one day away from a cure for cancer by the way.”

“Fortunately, Mary-Kate just happened to be there and was able to extract Ashley from the snake. Ashley is fine now thanks to Mary-Kate. And now I will take your questions.”

Reporters balked at the thought of little MK battling such a huge reptile. Pagnotta reluctantly agreed to screen a video clip of the event (explaining that Mary-Kate and Ashley are recorded at all times for legal purposes and for a possible reality show).

Pagnotta refused to release the clip to the public but did agree to release some vidcaps and a few short transcripts:

The first vidcap is the moment just before the snake ate Ashley whole:

Transcript: “<sound of teeth chattering>Uh, nice snake…p-p-please don’t eat me you yucky slimy horrible thing… you know s-s-tatistically humans are not one of your p-p-prey animals and …oh my God your eating me! And after I was all nice to ..mmrrph!”

The next one is MK getting ready to make her move on the snake. But first she trash talked it to soften it up:

Transcript: “……Ok that’s it you seasick sea serpent, your going down! You’ve made a powerful enemy today my friend….nobody swallows my sister whole and gets away with it….Somebody hand me my drumsticks and a towel, this is gonna get messy…..<sounds of drumsticks twirling at amazingly high speed>…You think Monday is a bitch, wait’ll you get a load a me you sorry excuse for a handbag….<hissing sound>…Oh, hiss at me will ya? I’ll wizzleworf your fricken hoozldam Anny Conda! By the way, you should see ME naked. I’m glorious!….Yaaaaaaah!….<sounds of snake meat getting sliced and diced>”

And finally, here’s Mary-Kate and Ashley all slimed up after MK defeats the snake and pulls Ashley out of it’s belly:

Transcript:
Ash: “<wimpering sounds>…Ooooh my gosh…I feel terrible…thank you Mary-Kate…that thing didn’t listen to reason!…ugh I need a bath…”

MK: “<pant>…your welcome Ash…<pant>…that’ll teach that…<pant>…PETA (pain een the ass) snake…<pant>…to mess with my sister…<pant>!”